The Essential Guide

The mice are wily. You can see why scientists use them all the time. I set a trap with Nutella and put it in the mouse drawer. Nothing, but less Nutella. I put a blue poison pellet on top and the pellet was gone. I wedged in a little piece of the pellet. That was gone too. Then I got some cheese and pushed it under this little vent on the plastic platform of the trap. This morning I checked and the trap was gone and there was blood about five inches away from where the trap had been. I figured we'd caught the mouse and L had thrown away the trap and mouse.

For some reason I opened the drawer further. There was a mouse in the back of the drawer, with his feet caught in the trap. He looked at me with his big black eyes. He hopped around. I knew I had to kill him. I called L and he said he'd heard him jumping around but figured he'd die soon. Thanks a lot. He advised me to put the mouse and trap in a plastic bag and bang it against the concrete. But that involves getting dressed. I knew I had to put the mouse out of its misery.

First I covered him with cardboard--an empty cracker box that I made flat. I was thinking I should get a hammer to smoosh him with but then decided a big book would be better.

This was probably the first time I've used the Chicago Manual of Style: The Essential Guide for Writers, Editors and Publishers, 14th edition. I recommend it highly. This is definitely an instance when the spiral-bound AP Stylebook, which I use more often, would not have been as useful.


Garry Cooper said...

Heck, CB, couldn't tell whether you were describing a real event or giving us a metaphor about a typical experience going through our healthcare system

Cancer Bitch said...

I coulda sent you the flattened mouse. He wasn't no metaphor.

The Fifty Foot Blogger said...

I heard your most recent installment on 'BEZ this morning. I got a tiny breast cancer bag, too. One of my cats threw up on it almost immediately. I was thinking that it would have been actually useful if it had been the size of a wine bottle. They could include a disclaimer (printed in pink, of course)--"research has shown that women who consume between one and two alcoholic drinks per day increased their risk of breast cancer by 10%"

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Shimmy said...

Delicious! What did you serve the mouse with? The water dish on the floor next to the refrigerator is completely déclassé. Try French Vanilla yogurt left in a dish -- if no one's looking (they never do). For simpler occasions, I prefer the bathtub spigot.

(P.S. I scared a mouse to death on April 18, 2007.)

Don said...

Those big little black eyes really get to me, too. And their tiny anthropomorphic hands.

Salli's pathologic fear of small furry rodents puts the black cowl squarely on my head. But when it comes to the actual execution, I'm exposed as a coward, opting for a tightly sealed ziplock Baggie in a tightly wrapped Jewel bag placed with apologies in the gray refuse bin outside the side door.

On the other hand--mine, not his--if I'd resolved to send him to his Eternal Reward by express, I wouldn't have used the Chicago Manual of Style or the equally cruel MLA reference. I'd dispatch him with real style: Let him see the world, briefly, with the Rand MacNally World Atlas or let the weighty leather-bound words of Shakespeare's Complete Works with commentary by S. Coleridge ($10 in a Border's cut-out bin) send him to join the Julius Caesar and Dane's dead dad.

Don said...

"...join Julius Caesar and the Dane's dead dad."

Preview, Don. Always click preview!

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