A Contest!

I guess you'd think a person with cancer wouldn't be worried about being a hypochrondriac, but I was today. Worried. First of all I was tired of the drains and wanted to call to see if I could get them out. L offered to do that for me and left a message with the nurse. Later I noticed that one of them seemed to be sliding out from inside me. (Just a note: These are plastic tubes inserted in the incision so that blood, etc., can flow out instead of gathering on a bandage. There are bulbs at the end that I empty out. More details in earlier posts.) I was worried that it would fall out over the weekend. Then I noticed that I couldn't straighten my arm like I could the other day and thought there must be something wrong with the tubes. I called the nurse rather panicky and so in the afternoon I took a cab down to Fancy Hospital, all the while thinking that I was panicky and there was really nothing wrong. The nurse said the area looked infected. She took out the one sliding-down tube. There had been a good four inches of plastic inside me. She left in the other tube and got me a prescription for an antibiotic. All this is a buildup to the real excitement of the evening. I went to the Walgreens to fill the prescription and while I was waiting I heard a woman at the counter say to a female member of the pharmacy staff: ...so I won't take the vaginal one and put it on my face ever.

That is the exact quote. I wrote it down. It was 4:57 pm and the speaker was late-middle-aged with dyed blond hair. Apparently this was in response to some advice she had solicited. This is the contest: Send me, via comments section of this post, what you imagine or surmise the context of that conversation to have been. Deadline for entries is 4:57 pm on Monday, March 12. The winner will receive a book or a kitchen utensil.

As Nora Ephron once said, This is the gamey section.

But you knew that.


Anonymous said...

Customer to Pharmacist - What is the difference between my outside skin and my inside skin anyway?
Pharmacist (Like a doctor but paid by the hour and quite possibly seeking to unionize): Do you want the long answer or the short answer?
Customer: Well really I just want to know if outside and inside skin products can, you know, be used for both.
Pharmacist (Sometimes but not always more chatty than doctors) For example?
Customer: Vaginal moisturizer for the face? I’ve decided to become celibate and I have a large bottle that I don’t want to waste.
Pharmacist (Sensing the customer may be a paid informant for Oil of Olay) Absolutely not. Only use products as directed on the label. The skin of your vagina and the skin of your face may have the same pH but they require different care products. Using the wrong product in the wrong place could cause an undesirable outcome. That is why they are sold in completely different aisles.
Customer (Realizing that she should bring this rather embarrassing conversation to an end as she has attracted the attention of a dark haired beauty in line behind her) Well , thanks for the information, I thought all moisturizers were the same thing, just with different labels ...so I won't take the vaginal one and put it on my face ever.

Anonymous said...

Customer (C): I need to talk to you. I've been having the strangest problem lately, ever since I started using that new face cream you gave me.
Pharmacist (P): What kind of problems?
C: It's the way people respond to me lately. As the principal of a middle school, it's just . . . very, very . . . uncomfortable.
P: What?
C: Well, the way men, especially, have been responding. Yesterday, I was walking down the hall, and the art teacher said, "Hey, what is this? a revival of the dinner party, Judy?"
P: What did he mean by that?
C: I don't know. My name isn't even Judy.
P: [looks at records] I see that. What else?
C: Some of the students look at me and say "yuck." Can you imagine? to the principal? And then yesterday, in a parent-teacher conference, the father of a student said, "What have you been doing to yourself lately? You look good enough to eat . . like a big ice cream sundae." His wife was sitting right there. It was humiliating.
P: Wow. I better check the computer here. [click, click, on the keyboard, waiting, waiting, looking at the monitor]. Oh, my god.
C: What?
P: Um. Well. Um. Oh, listen, there's a dark-haired woman behind you, and she looks like she's been through a lot lately. I don't want to keep her waiting. Could you just step aside while I wait on her.
C: [turns and looks at the woman behind her] Just tell me. come on. Just tell me. She can wait another minute.
P: [whispering]
C: Oh my god. [insert line]

Anonymous said...

(a contest isn't a contest if there's only one entry, & the competitive part of me [ask Hal about being so proud of winning our ping pong match [when I was 5]. so I offer this ...

PS: I want that damn Kitchen Utensil --- & it better be autographed!)

The Scene:
Walgreens: Pharmacy counter - several people in line ... mid conversation ... customer to pharmacist ... there is a dark haired beauty in line- 2 or 3 people behind the customer who is making some effort to appear to be disinterested, (but she's taking notes).

"...so I won't take the vaginal one and put it on my face ever," the late-middle-aged woman with dyed blond hair said. She blushed slightly while she expertly rubbed hand cream onto both hands.

Pharmacist: "I wasn't implying that you had. It's just that some of the questions you asked were the teeniest bit unorthodox & it seemed possible that it could have been the cause of your rash (IF it had happened at all of course and I'm not implying that I think it did). It would have been an accident I'm sure ... but ... but ... please don't take this the wrong way, but I couldn't help noticing that the ointment you're using as a hand cream is 'Extra Strength Preparation H.' Forgive me if I seemed rude."

Customer: "Oh, I didn't think you were rude at all. To tell you the truth, I bought it a fortnight ago, while my friend and I were doing a latex thingie in Canada, & I must have mixed it up with my facial scrub. I always feel so silly when I do things like that. Do you have something that will fix it?"

Pharmacist: (with obvious relief to have escaped this one unscathed) "No problem. Actually, it happens all the time. I can help you"

Customer: "Oh, thank you so much" the late-middle-aged woman with dyed blond hair said, obviously also greatly relieved, but still rubbing her hands together... "While I'm here," (she asked politely) "do you have any of that licorice flavored Nair?"

Anonymous said...

Sure, maybe it was something conventional like she had a rash on her face at the same time she had a genital infection, and the doc prescribed similar -- yet not identical -- creams, and the pharmacist warned her, etc.

Maybe, though, it was something like this. The late-middle-aged-dyed-blonde-hair lady had thrown a raunchy shower for an old friend's second wedding. Trying to be raunchy-funny, she had decided to decorate not with regular balloons, but with condoms.

She used all manner, color and shapes of condoms, EVEN the exotic female condom! Lo and behold, the funny-raunchy-party hostess wound up with a strange rash ringing her mouth. (She had covered it with makeup so eavesdropping pharmacy customers wouldn't notice.)

"Oh!," the pharmacist said. "Have you by any chance been inflating a female condom?"

"Why yes," the lady replied. "I have, how did you know?"

"Well, we discussed this at the pharmacists' convention. Blowing up male condoms? No problem, generally, as long as you're careful. Those darn female condoms, however, just don't sit well ... uh, they can irritate the external skin, for some reason."

"So, you're saying, that in the future, should I wish to inflate condoms, I should stick with good ole guy condoms?"

"Er, right."

"Ah. So I won't take the vaginal one and put in on my face ever."

"Good. Now, I see there's a customer behind you ..."

- (Can cousins win the contest?)

Anonymous said...

Of course cousins or cousins in law can win the contest. It is clearly written in the Cancer Bitch Blog Contest Bylaws / Rules & Regs, revision 031207/eligibility/family/cousins/inlaws. Everyone knows that. Even Judy.

Anonymous said...

I meant to type "put IT on my face," not "put IN on my face." Do typos disqualify?


I'm Not Judy