I Am Milked

You can be, too. You can try it at home. Put cream on your nipple to soften it. Cover with a plastic see-through band-aid. Over that lay a warmed purple velvety bag filled with stale-bordering-on-rancid flax seeds. After 10 minutes have someone come in and wipe off the cream with a cloth, roughly but nicely. "I'm clearing away dead skin," she'll say, "like a facial." Then get her to massage the nipple, from just outside the areola, then closer in. Have her put a little suction on the nipple and apply pressure. Then watch as 4cc of thin yellowish liquid comes out of your nipple. She'll collect it in a tube.

If you do it at Fancy Hospital, you'll receive $50 in the mail.in a couple of weeks. If you do it at home, no telling.

It's not *really* milk--this will not qualify you for a new line of work as a wet nurse.

Yes, folks, this is what I did, as part of a study to see if there's a relationship between breast cancer risk and hormone levels in nipple fluid. When I was first asked to participate, I was hesitant, but then L said, "It might help someone. I told this to the physician assistant who was massaging (the proper term, not "milking") my nipple and she said something like, "Yeah, sometimes husband say smart things." I said loyally, "I have a very good husband." I haven't had him as a husband for even three years yet; it seems way too soon to joke about him in a general oh-those-husbands way.